+ 33 (0)6 25 31 08 81 Uri Sluckin Tradwell uri@tradwell.com

A revised French Republic uptake on the very pertinent dialogue between Richard Littlejohn and Chad Hanning as published in the Daily Mail on Tuesday, 23rd of February.

Bonjour, La France, comment ça va? This is your favourite father, Jean-Pierre Elkabbach, bringing you fresh croissants and in depth analysis of the Perfide Albion’s attempt at getting it all their way or simply getting away with it; the warm Parisian baguette and the baker’s wife.

I’m in a café overlooking the majestic Notre Dame Cathedral, in the heart of Paris, the City of Fading Light. President Hollande has just got back from Brussels after defeating Her Majesty’s envoy Cameron in his quest for cushy independence. As I am the most annoying interviewer of the French Presidential Monarchy, I will be posing the questions and giving the right answers.

Isn’t the old island with the Queen already independent?

Well, yes and no, The Scottish people voted to stay and now the English will state their intentions on the 23rd of June.

Isn’t Scotland in the YooKay?

Read more

Well, yes and no. It’s like your Corsican tribe, technically they are French, but now they’ve got their bilingual leader, they’d like to manifest their will, rewrite all road signs in their dialect and sing their horrid vocal harmonies wherever they like.

So what’s this referendum about?

It’s about the musical quality of Eurovision offerings; with the YooKay being a part of Europe most Eurovision entries are sung in English. If they vote themselves out we will go back to the basic independence of member states; all songs will have to be performed in the native language, a just rule abandoned in 1999.Thus France will win once again. At the moment the score stands even at five wins each.

So will the boiled beef eaters vote to leave?

We hope so. And when they do Chef Hollande will be elected again to impose import duties on Mark’s and Spencer’s disgusting fashion for geriatrics.

Say it again, my roast beef friend. As I understand, the Famous Grouse makers don’t want to be ruled by The Queen, but they would like to be ruled by the Eurovision?

Search me. In this referendum, 007 Sean Connery, will be playing golf with the Queen of Buckingham, who loves listening to Serge Gainsbourg in the original version. Je t’aime, moi non plus.

Wasn’t The Queen of Corgies against Eurovision back then?

She was. She told her Head Court Jester to negotiate basic rights for her Island.

What basic rights? To bring back the Beatles, sink pirate ships, dance a slow with Obama. Basic stuff.

So, as it is she can’t do what she wants?

Not really, Brussel sprouts decide what colour hats she wears.

How did she allow that?

Eurovision started out as a private members club, but over the years strange people were allowed in.

Who wanted that? We don’t know. Her Majesty’s people thought that new members were not allowed to join unless they were rich and had colonies all over the world. Now, you can’t get a table at lunch in the canteen and countries with a population of Windsor have become full members.

How does that work, my custard loving friend?

The Eurovision contest has 28 singing members. Talentless oiks such as Latvia or Lithuania can sing alongside the people that gave you Engelbert Humperdinck and The Rolling Stones.

So that would be like the U.S. of A sending Britney Spears and Taylor Swift to represent it in a Bananavision song contest organized by Panama?

Precisely. And a panel, chaired by El Chapo, sitting in Mexico City judging the musical talents of beautiful blue eyed blondes. So you can understand why so many of Her Majesty’s people want out. You only have to look at the Eurovision Song Contest to see how other countries give the land of decent beer and tasty fish and chips null points year after year. Buckingham Palace has less autonomy than Cuba in 1963.

Yet Her Majesty’s top flunky says he has negotiated a wonderful deal to give the Island a very singular status?

Not quite, he’s come back pretty much a naked man with a mere fig leaf for cover.

Yeah, but he wants badly to stay, why is that?

Can’t fathom the fellow, he says that our songs will never be played by the top Gerrman DJs, if we leave.

Would that be a great loss?

Indeed, don’t forget it’s where John, Paul, George and Ringo started out in Germany!

So what are the other big issues?

Immigration; millions of stateless migrants are trying to get to Manchester, can’t think why, I mean the accent, the weather and the food. They’d go back after two weeks. But Dame Encula’s invited them in and they will be free to travel to London soon.

Can’t you build a wall, like the one Trump wants to build on the Mexican border?

We’ve got the English Channel. But they have the experience of crossing the Aegean to Greece, so the 35 kilometers from Calais to Dover is a cinch.

And what does Director General Cameroon say about that?

He says Britain is safe inside the Eurovision.

Is he mad? Quite possibly. They all go mad in the end.

Who is backing Camembert lover?

The leader of the opposition Labour Party, Jeremy Corbett.

What, the tall one from Top Gear? I love him.

No, that’s Jeremy Clarkson.

So who’s this Corbett?

He’s Great Britain’s answer to Marine Le Pen with a twist; a self-proclaimed hard line communist.

But if he’s a Stalinist and the leader of the Opposition, why is he backing Cameroon?

Corbett has never met an immigrant he doesn’t like. Plus he hates the real leader of the Opposition, London Mayor Boris Johnson.

Yeah, right. I think I saw him, once, on the David Letterman show. Or was it Jay Leno? He’s the one with the hair like Donald Trump, yeah?

Yes they go to the same haircutter. They gossip under the dryers.

Boris is another communist?

No, he’s a Conservative. He wants to be President after Cameroon.

What else do we know about Johnson?

He sees himself as the true heir to Sir Winston Churchill, minus cigar and Cognac.

So he’s an old-fashioned British Bulldog, born and bred?

Actually, he was born in New York and he has Turkish blood. He describes himself as an archetype European.

So why is he campaigning against Eurovision vision?

He’d understood that he’ll never become President of the U.S. So he hopes standing up to Europe will help him become President of Her Majesty’s Land.

Why the democratically elected President of Diana’s Mother in Law’s Island would turn his back on his own people and join forces with Mère Encula and the Eurovision Masters? Any country forced to pay taxes to a foreign power and unable to make its own laws isn’t a real country at all.

Americans had a revolution because of that and tried to chop George III’s head off.